she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
