well I can't set my house on fire every night
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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