turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
