when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
