I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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