matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Im part way to drunk.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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