How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
