i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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