Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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