Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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