summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
