my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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