i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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