He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
