I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
