FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
