I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
