What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize