onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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