I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
