Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
