Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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