He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
