dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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