meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
