He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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