I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
