im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
