Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize