Got a toothbrush?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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