did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I would fuck him just for his dog
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
