Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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