I want to stick my p in your. b.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
