so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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