Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
