After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
