You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
