The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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