no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
