We won't sleep together?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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