Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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