The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
