I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
