He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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