I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
