I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
