Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
