I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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