I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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