I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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