I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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