How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
