you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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