Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
